By Chris Wright
Footballers, eh? Masters of the supposedly exclusive and luxurious look well and truly nasty and their cars are no exception
1. Stephen Irelands Pink-Trim Range Rover
Well start by getting all of Stephen Irelands inmously misguided vehicular acquisitions out of the way. Brace yourselves
2. Stephen Irelands Resprayed Audi R8 (complete with Superman petrol cap)
What with him playing for Man City at the time, it didnt dawn on our Steve that buying a car in Man Utd colours may not be the smartest move.
A few choice words in his ear from ns and teammates alike soon saw him respraying the thing sky blue not that it looked any less e
3. Stephen Irelands Hideous Bentley Convertible
Bought as a 260,000 gift for his equally tasteless girlfriend, Ireland had a white Bentley Convertible customised to document his love for her; paying 1,000 to have the iconic B insignia on the bonnet changed to JL (her initials) as well as having red leather seats fitted with a romantic message (To Jess, Love from Stephen) and love hearts stitched into the headrests.
4. El Hadji Dioufs Gold-Plated Cadillac Escalade
Gip Just when you thought you couldnt despise him any more than you already do, he goes and gets his plasticky Yank thug wagon gilded
5. William Gallas Chrome Mercedes McClaren
Seen here squeaking inconspicuously out of the Emirates carpark in a hulking great mirrorball on wheels
6. David Beckhams Jeep Wrangler
Must come in handy when tackling the various combat zones throughout downtown Beverly Hills
8. Nile Rangers Power Ranger Range Rover
And to think, some bilge rat even tried to nick this 120,000 dollop of chintzy crap while Ranger himself was being arrested by traffic police in Newcastle. You wont be surprised that the car was returned almost immediately..
9. David James Robin Reliant-of-Shame
Back when Portsmouth had two pennies to piss on, manager Tony Adams forced the player who performed worst at training to drive a knackered old 1992 Robin Reliant to training the next day. James, believe it or not, was at the wheel most days.
Over the years, the Pompey players chipped in on modifications for the three-wheeler, until it mutated into a five-wheeled, cut-and-shut A-Team-themed monstrosity you see before you
At least Jamo was happy!
10. Jermaine Pennants Low-Key Chrome Aston Martin
Perfect for the busy footballer who finds himself misplacing his 200,000 sports car all the time
11. Thomas Vermaelens Nissan Figaro
When the Verminator signed a new Arsenal contract a while back, Robin van Persie (remember him?) outed the Belgian as a secret Nissan owner, telling him it was high time to get rid of the Figaro and buy a deeeeeecent car! Who knows if he actually went ahead and part-exchanged the old jalopy in for a slick new Cube?
12. Robert Earnshaws Daft Hummer
Regularly spotted, seemingly abandoned in the City Ground carpark: Ickle Robert Earnshaws vast hummer. How on Earth did he reach the pedals? Rumour is he went and got it sprayed bright canary yellow at some point
13. Benoit Assou-Ekottos Smart Car
No grown man should ever drive a Smart car. There, we said it
14. Shaun Wright-Phillips Big Boy Trike
Not strictly a car, though SWPs not strictly a footballer either
Bonus: Djibril Cisses Airbrushed Chrysler (c/o Mr Sensible)
Complete with bonnet art, a homage to his daughter Ilona
August 24, 2012 at 12:59 pmthe jeep wrangler is cool! the robin reliant story is funnycalamity can laugh at himself at least
August 24, 2012 at 1:27 pmAndre Santos in his meep meep-mobile
24, 2012 at 1:38 pmPlatinis R12..
24, 2012 at 2:52 pmEl Hadji Diouf also had the same car as Gallas for a while my surprise when my wife (then girlfriend) arrived home to say shed be propositioned by a goon in a chrome Mclaren to see if she wanted to go party at 2 in the afternoon. Stupid numberplate she said. Blimey, thinks I, having seen the recent story about Gallass prize penis-extender, Gallas in Manchester? He must be signing for United! And why the blue rocket is he asking you to party?! Maybe hes going to City!
Turns out it was Diouf. Worst. Reveal. EVER.
August 24, 2012 at 3:09 pmThe Jeep Wrangler is loathesome but I rather like the Smart Car.
And the Nissan Figaro is beautiful, you philistine.
August 24, 2012 at 3:25 pmI knew a dealer who drove a Smart car. He said it would keep the coppers away.
August 24, 2012 at 3:49 pmIn what world is the Wrangler cool.hulking eyesore it is. Smart car makes sense in London traffic.
August 24, 2012 at 4:29 pmI used to have a smart car..There I said it, until I didnt quite get the round bit of a roundabout and went straight over, needless to say my smart car didnt look so smart after that and neither did I hmmmm ya bastad
August 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm@neil the photo is misleading in scale, they are actually quite small! about the length of a compact car. nothing like the ghastly hummer etc
August 24, 2012 at 4:56 pmfootball players logic: we want to be low key when we go out in public so we dont cause a scene. SOLUTION: buy a chrome mercedescause rich people dont drive those, right?
August 24, 2012 at 6:33 pmThe Figaro is a classic and doesnt belong on this list.
When you are one of the youngest players in the squad you just shouldnt ride a tricycle. Im looking at you, Shaun
August 24, 2012 at 7:37 pmhow do you drive a chrome car when the sun is shining? the hood/bonnet would blind you!
August 24, 2012 at 8:03 pmthen of course, theres Joey(sorry) Joe Bartons pimped up ride
24, 2012 at 11:45 pmFull respect to Assou-Ekotto for driving a Smart.
I cant stand all those chrome / gold plated luxury cars, they just scream twat.
If I had millions, Id buy a Volkswagen 1600 TL Fastback.
Google it. If youre over the age of 30 youll remember them.
August 25, 2012 at 4:29 amEy, dont knock the Wrangler. Its a great mid-size 4-wheeler. And its a surprisingly low-key car (in terms of price) for someone like Becks to be driving although I agree that there isnt much opportunity to use its key attributes in the urban jungle that is LA (and no, despite its roots its not for combat, even with the CoD package you can add on, its a trek vehicle).
August 25, 2012 at 11:36 amDjibril Cisses car with his daughters ce spray painted on the bonnet.
27, 2012 at 7:14 pmPoor El Hadji Poof got that abomination of a car confiscated due to unpaid taxes though. Couldnt happen to a nicest scum ehem, chap
August 29, 2012 at 1:56 amDaniel Osvaldos
30, 2012 at 10:25 pmreferring to the Escalade as a Yank thug wagon does seem a bit racist, doesnt it?
September 5, 2012 at 9:57 amlol I quite like the Nissan Figaro and Ireland should just be banned from buying any car lol.
December 12, 2013 at 7:37 am[] which would be the stuff of dreams, but as were about to show you, many footballers manage to ruin otherwise amazing cars. Here are five footballers who have sinned against motoring nature: Jermaine Pennant The []
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